The Perils of Dueling
by PhantomKat
Summary: Set in the Marauders' era, Lupin finds that his friends James and Sirius have been dueling yet again, but this time there are some interesting consequences that he must fix.


Hi everyone! Thanks for checking out this story. This is actually my first attempt at an actual HP fanfiction, so be merciful and review. I do not own Harry Potter (for if I did Sirius probably wouldn't have died), Herman's Hermits, or the name game. There might be a little bit of out of character-ness, and if you find some, please review. Enjoy.

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Lupin closed his Transfiguration book and rolled up the essay he had been working on for Professor McGonagall. His was finally finished. However, his friends, James and Sirius, had yet to start. It was probable and almost a fact that they would stay up all night the night before it was due and still get good marks. He rolled his eyes, sighed, and looked around the common room.

The comfortable, round room was devoid of the students' presences, save for Lupin. A fire crackled quietly in the large stone fireplace. Subjects of various moving portraits around the room either had left for the night, or were snoozing quietly in their frames. Various personal items were strewn about, resting on chairs, tables, sofas, and any other flat object. In Remus's eyes, two things were missing from the room, his aforementioned friends, James and Sirius.

If they were not here, they were probably wandering the castle underneath James's invisibility cloak or planning some ingenious prank somewhere. At least, he had finished his homework for the weekend. He looked out the window. A half moon looked like a Cheshire Cat smile in the black sky. The full moon would come in a matter of weeks, and that was something Lupin was not looking forward to.

He stifled a yawn and gathered up his things. It was late, and Lupin was counting on his friends to drag him out of bed tomorrow to help them on some scheme or other. He quietly climbed the spiral stone staircase to the boy's dormitory. Before he could reach the door, James burst out of it and slammed the door behind him. He looked harried and when he saw Lupin, he brightened a little, but did not loose the agitation in his face. Lupin, as expected, was almost completely confused at James's behaviour and wondered where Sirius was. The student was not able to voice his question, as James spoke first.

"Remus, you remember when you, me, and Sirius promised to be friends no matter what?"

"Yes," answered Lupin carefully.

"Can you just remember that when you go in?"

Lupin pushed past him and opened the door while asking, "What did you do now?"

He did not have long to find out, for as he opened the door, he saw what was wrong.

Books and papers were strewn about the floor, even more so than down in the common room. Of the five four-poster beds, three had their sheets thrown about and their pillows ripped. The other two beds were occupied with their curtains drawn. From one came the nasal breathing of the Marauders' fourth companion, Peter Pettigrew. The other was taken by another boy in their year, Charles Gleeson.

The objects that lay on their trunks and beside tables were upended as if something or someone had been thrown into the furniture. Lupin's eyes quickly found the someone in question.

Sirius looked as though he had been thrown over a wooden chair that lay in front of him. His legs were thrown over the seat and the rest of his body was sprawled so that the wall supported his shoulders and head. Lupin stared in dismay at what he was seeing. His friend's eyes were a bit vacant and his lips moved as if he was mumbling an incantation. Lupin threw his books onto his four-poster and stood over the incoherent boy. James stood across from him.

"Huh. I didn't think it would have that much affect."

Lupin looked up. "You two were dueling again, weren't you?"

"Uh…" James rubbed the back of his neck uneasily. Usually he was good at making up excuses, but he knew Lupin would see right through them all. They had been friends for far too long. "Yeah."

Sirius's mutterings finally became lucid. Upon hearing them, both James's and Lupin's eyes widened at what was coming out of their friend's mouth.

"I'm 'enry the Eighth, I am,  
'Enry the Eighth, I am, I am.  
I got married to the widow next door,  
She's been married seven times before.  
And everyone was an 'enry  
She wouldn't top a Willie nor a Sam  
I'm 'er eighth old man, I'm 'enry  
'Enry the Eighth, I am!

Second verse, same as the first!

I'm 'enry the Eighth, I am…"

Lupin's gaze went slowly from Sirius to James. Sirius went on singing, unaware of anything around him.

"What did you hit him with?"

"Erm…I'm not rightly sure."

"How can you not be sure?!"

"Well, I fired off a Singing Spell while dodging a Bat Boogie Hex from him…"

Meanwhile, Sirius had gotten tired of Herman's Hermits and began singing something else.

"Remus, Remus, bo-Bemus, banana, fana, fo-Femus, mi, my, mo-Memus, Remus!"

"…Which I dodged rather brilliantly, if I do say so myself. He missed by a mile."

"James!"

"James, James, bo-Bames, banana, fana fo-Fames, mi, my, mo-Mames, James!"

Catching Lupin's annoyed look he continued hastily.

"Then I sent a Confundus Charm his way…"

"Peter, Peter, bo-Beter, banana, fana, fo-Feter, mi, my, mo-Meter, Peter!"

"So how'd he get like this?"

James had no answer to this. The two stared at him a minute while he went through a few more names.

"Sirius, Sirius, bo-Birius, banana, fana, fo-Firius, mi, my, mo-Mirius, Sirius! Potter, Potter, bo-Botter, banana, fana, fo-Fotter, mi, my, mo-Motter, Potter! Lupin, Lupin, bo-Bupin, banana, fana, fo-Fupin, mi, my, mo-Mupin, Lupin!"

"Wow, he's completely delirious."

"Yeah, we established that. Now, what caused it?"

"I think my Singing Spell bounced off the mirror," he pointed at the hand mirror that sat on his bedside table, "and made it hit him."

"Pettigrew, Pettigrew, bo-Bettigrew, banana, fana, fo-Fettigrew, mi, my, mo-Mettigrew, Pettigrew!"

Sirius had a little trouble with the length of the fourth Marauder's name, but he got through it and moved on.

"Did it hit him the same time as your Confundus Charm?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Dumbledore, Dumbledore, bo-Bumbledore…Hang on. That one doesn't work."

"So can you fix him, Remus?"

"Let me think for a moment."

After running out of his friends names, and with the failure of the headmaster's name, Sirius looked around for another name to fill the song. His eyes looked past his friends and he spotted Charles's bunk.

"Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck, banana, fana, fo-fu…"

James's hand cut him off before he could finish. Sirius looked annoyed at the premature ending of his song, and glared at James.

"Sometime today, Remus."

"If you haven't noticed, James, it's nighttime," he returned coolly. Lupin took out his wand, pointed it at Sirius, and muttered the countercurse. Sirius slumped down for a moment, and then sat up as if nothing had happened. As he sat up, he rubbed the back of his head where he had hit it after being thrown back over the chair. He peered up at James and Remus, confused.

"Hey, you weren't in here a minute ago." He pointed at Lupin. "What happened?"

James looked to Lupin, questioningly, then back to Sirius.

"You mean, you don't remember?"

"Would I be asking if I did?"

Lupin calmly walked away and began straightening his belongings. The other did the same, leaving Sirius on the floor, looking at them suspiciously.

"Is there something I did that I should remember?"

James bent down and clapped him on the back, before helping him up and righting the chair.

"If we ever get hold of a Pensive, one day I'll show you."

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Yeah, I know. Everyone does the Chuck and the Name Game joke. Sorry, I really couldn't help myself. I am also sorry if I got Henry the 8th stuck in your head. So, for the third time, please, please, please review. It feeds my ego. ;-D Cheers! 


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